Shannon Dittemore



“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh–at yourself.” — Ethel Barrymore

Thought I’d kick off the weekend with a little self-deprecation. You know, point at myself in the mirror and laugh a bit, because there are several things I am absolute garbage at. And, then there are things I am entirely unable to do.

For example, I can’t snort. It’s a physical impossibility. I try and I try and I look, well, ridiculous. In fact, whenever my friends or family are in need of a good chuckle they ask me to give snorting my best effort. Sometimes they laugh so hard they snort, but not me. I remain disappointingly oink-less.

Also, I can’t hock a loogie. Perhaps I’m missing some important flappy or maybe I have an extra one hiding in the depths of my sinuses. I have no idea, but whatever the problem, I cannot make accurate pig noises nor can I rid myself of unwanted snot. It’s weird, I know, but these are only two of the things I can’t do.

Another thing… I’m awful at accents. An absolute embarrassment. Which, considering my love for the stage you’d think I’d have remedied, but no. I can’t seem to master the art of inflection. Though once I managed to convince some random suit on an airplane that I was from “the South.” Ahem.

I can’t cut straight. With scissors, I mean. In fact, arts and crafts in general baffle me. No knitting, crocheting, sewing or scrapbooking for me. And my husband is, by far, the best gift wrapper in the house. Maybe I lack the dexterity? I certainly lack the patience.

And, I can’t hit a golf ball. Not that I have the remotest desire to master the game, but once, long ago, in an effort to impress a guy, I took a swing at one. And nothing. The stupid thing didn’t move. It sat there staring at me, mocking my pathetic attempt. To all the golfers out there–great and small–my hat’s off to you. If you can hit that little sucker, you deserve a round of applause.

And driving… well, I’m not the worst driver, but I frequently bump into stuff–driver’s training vehicles, signs, pillars–and parking just isn’t my thing. It was my sister who reminded me of my parking inadequacy, though, if we’re being completely transparent, she’s the one who ran the car through the church. 😉

But the point is, we all have things we’re rubbish at, right? How ’bout you? Care to point at yourself and laugh a bit?



  • Comment by jacy — January 28, 2011 @ 11:52 am

    I’ve been there with you trying to snort, definitely not something I can do!

    I also can’t whistle no matter how hard I try, Which often just leads to lots of spit, no cool sound comes out.

    And of course your fav…

    Wolf… woof… what’s the difference as long as I know what I’m talking about!?

  • Comment by Shan — January 28, 2011 @ 12:12 pm

    Oh woof! Yes, I think of you saying woof and I smile every time. You know what–I can’t whistle either. Forgot about that one.

  • Comment by Lacey — January 29, 2011 @ 9:07 am

    I’m with you on the accents. They sound brillant in my head and then something happens between my head and my mouth that changes that. I’m also unable to cut straight with scissors and don’t even get me started on paper cutters. How I fail with those is beyond me!?! And I seem to stump the rules of the ruler, can’t make a straight line with that either. I guess I prefer the curves! Another thing that can make anyone laugh is making me read outloud in front of people. Alone I can read outloud and do fine but trauma from elementary school has forever rocked my world! Lol…By far if you ever need a laugh though, just have me try and attempt to play basketball! Cheered for it for years…but osmosis did not kick in! Ha ha

  • Comment by Shan — January 29, 2011 @ 11:30 am

    Oh Lacey! We will have to get the kinderchurchers to teach us to cut! And I think a basketball game may be in order. We’ll make Steph cheer. 🙂

  • Comment by Karen — April 26, 2011 @ 8:22 pm

    Well… I often say “warsh cloth” and though my reading skill is just fine thank you… my tongue will very often rebel at saying words that those born in Oklahoma were just not intended to speak…well. LOL

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